Unamusement Park

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By popular demand, I have decided to stop being racist. Unfortunately, my efforts in that direction were stymied almost immediately when I realized I have no idea what the word “racist” is supposed to mean. Others, I suspect, may harbor similar doubts.

Fortunately, there is a simple solution. One thing we know for sure is that black people can’t be racist. Now, if that claim sounds slightly racist to you, remember: a black person said it once, and we already know black people can’t be racist. Do try to keep up.

With this axiom (black people can’t be racist) in mind, I have formulated a bold three-step plan to purge the universe of all racism forever. I call it, appropriately enough, the Three-Step Plan to Eliminate Racism:

1. See what black people do.
2. Do that.
3. Don’t do something else.

Of course, to execute step 1 (not to mention steps 2 and 3) of my glorious Three-Step Plan to Eliminate Racism, we’ll need to observe some black people (as safely as possible).

Twitter is an excellent source of black people, especially black people complaining about other black people (which, you will recall, cannot be racist), often by shaking their heads (generally rendered “SMH”). (Shaking their own heads, I mean, not shaking one another’s heads.)

As a result, reading Twitter is an excellent way to assemble your very own Officially Not Racist list, thus completing step 1 of my recently patented Three-Step Plan to Eliminate Racism.

Contents

1. Jun 2011: Black People Ruin Arts Fair in Cleveland Heights
2. Jul 2011: Black People Ruin Fourth of July in Baltimore
3. Oct 2011: Black People Ruin Halloween Across the Country
4. Jul 2012: Black People Ruin Fourth of July in Chicago
5. Jul 2012: Black People Also Ruin Fourth of July in Albany, GA

Jun 2011: Black People Ruin Arts Fair in Cleveland Heights

On June 26, 2011, a mob of at least 75 “unruly teenagers” descended on the Coventry Street Arts Fair in Cleveland Heights, starting fights, throwing punches, and screaming. It just so happens that every single one of these “unruly teenagers” was black.

Using the search string “coventry, black,” I probed Twitter for reactions to the violence from the black community. My findings are summarized below.

1. “Black people like to fuck shit up.”
2. Black people aren’t wanted in a lot of places, because they always want to fight and start problems.
3. You can’t put a bunch of black people in one area because they don’t know how to act.
4. Some of them even lack “home training type shit.”
5. If you expect black people to show up at an event, you should go early, so you don’t have to put up with them.
6. Indeed, “too many black people” is a valid reason not to go at all, even if you really want to.
7. The black race is cursed.

As we know, none of the above sentiments can possibly be racist (step 1), so you should say them (step 2) instead of whatever racist things you were thinking of saying (step 3), you big ol’ racist.

Jul 2011: Black People Ruin Fourth of July in Baltimore

On July 4, 2011, mass violence erupted at Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. A child was shot in the leg and a man fatally stabbed. It just so happens that all the violence was caused by black people. The stabbing victim, however, was white.

I once again probed Twitter for reactions from the black community, this time using the search string “harbor, black.”

1. Young black people are so ignorant.
2. Black people can never do anything right.
3. Black people can’t have any type of fun without someone dying.
4. “You can’t do shit with black people.”
5. Your city “can’t have shit” without black people “fucking it up.”
6. Black people can’t just go to a nice place and act right.
7. Black people are wild, so you can’t have a lot of them in one place.
8. If there are a lot of them in one place, you should expect fights, stabbings and shootings.
9. “I hate black people.”
10. “I hateeee black people.”

Oct 2011: Black People Ruin Halloween Across the Country

What about the nationwide Halloween crime spree of 2011?

1. Black people are crazy.
2. “Black people fuck everything up.”
3. Black people can’t have fun without someone getting shot.
4. Black people “can’t celebrate shit” without someone getting shot.
5. Black people can’t do anything without someone getting shot.
6. You can’t put black people in one place without someone getting shot.
7. Black people need to do better.

Jul 2012: Black People Ruin Fourth of July in Chicago

Then there was the Fourth of July violence at Chicago’s Navy Pier in 2012.

1. Black people “don’t know how to act” when they are around one another, which is sad.
2. As a result, the presence of too many black people, let alone “waaaaay toooo many black people,” is a real problem.
3. It is therefore a valid reason not to attend a fireworks show.
4. There were just too many black people at Navy Pier yesterday.
5. Navy Pier gets shot up only when there are “too many black people in one place” — Navy Pier, presumably.
6. Indeed, due to a surfeit of black people, the Fourth of July fireworks show at Navy Pier in Chicago represents no less than one thousand ways to die.
7. Today, white people “can officially believe all black people are ghetto.”
8. The Fundamental Theorem of Independence Day Violence: the Navy Pier, multiplied by “too many black people,” multiplied by fireworks, equals “fuckery.”
9. “I ABSOLUTELY HATE BLACK PEOPLE.”

Jul 2012: Black People Also Ruin Fourth of July in Albany, GA

Finally, consider the Independence Day violence at Turtle Park in Albany, GA in 2012.

1. Black people don’t never get along.
2. Black people don’t know how to act.
3. Black folks just get out of line sometimes.
4. Avoid Turtle Park in the future: black people are always fighting.
5. Black folks have now, finally, got white people scared to come to Turtle Park.

By this point, your list should be long enough to get you started on your personal journey of de-racism-ization — following, of course, Unamusement Park’s wildly popular Three-Step Plan to Eliminate Racism (see above).

Good luck!