America: Irredeemably Insane
Dec 5th, 2014 by Unamused
Good morning, friends. How are you doing? It’s a beautiful day: damp, gray and drizzly. Puts me in a sort of retrospective mood…
As you know, I’ve been away. I spent the first half of 2013 setting up a brand-new, state-of-the-art secret race-research facility deep in the fetid jungle heart of Midnight Mountain, the legendary long-lost Nazi island base of occult operations, whose trove of… archaeological oddities, shall we say, renders it undetectable to radar, sonar, satellite imagery, prayer, dowsing, and the power of positive thinking.
I spent the second half of 2013 fending off super-intelligent radioactive mandrills.
When my calculations revealed that said mandrills were breeding faster than I could slaughter them with the available chemical, biological and supernatural weaponry, I reluctantly punched the island’s thermonuclear voodoo self-destruct sequence and fucked off to New Zealand, which is a much nicer place to live. (It has kiwis.)
Anyway, I’m back in the United States now, as of Monday, and — I don’t know, maybe that isn’t enough time to fully acclimate to the cultural-Marxist zeitgeist, but to be honest… well, I’m pretty sure your country is completely fucking nuts.
I would like to offer, as evidence of this claim, some items I missed from 2014.
According to the New York Times, the late Michael “Fuck What You Have to Say” Brown, aspiring rapper, amateur cop-boxer and occasional convenience store robber, “spent [his] last weeks grappling… with life’s mysteries.” And its “promise.”
Brown was “joking and outgoing,” and he “regularly flashed a broad smile,” and yet he was also “reserved… around people he did not know.” Little Asian store clerk. Although “not the best student,” he “overcame early struggles in school to graduate on time” — an impressive feat, I’m sure we can all agree! Little Asian store clerk. His family insists “he never got in trouble with the law as a juvenile,” and “was pointed toward a trade college and a career.” Little Asian store clerk. He never, “ever threw a real punch.” Little Asian store clerk. Brown “spoke seriously about religion and the Bible,” in that he thought he saw “Satan chasing [an] angel” in the clouds one time.
Mr. Brown was sometimes philosophical, as he showed in his final hours.
“Everything happen for a reason,” he posted to Facebook the night before he was shot. “Just start putting 2 n 2 together. You’ll see it.”
If I’ve hallucinated this entire story, will someone please leave a comment below?
“An outrage plume” promptly erupted all over the glowing profile of Michael “You’re Too Much of a Fuckin’ Pussy to Shoot Me” Brown, according to Erik Wemple. You see, friends, the author, John Eligon, described “Mr. Brown” as being “no angel.”
“The phrase is indeed alarming,” Ben Mathis-Lilley notes, for “the opposite of an angel is a devil.” Yes, “no angel” certainly is “a loaded term” — although, “taken in its entirety, the Times’ article about Michael Brown tells the story of his life fairly.”
“Fairly,” friends. “Fairly.”
But Wemple demands to know: “Would the New York Times have chosen this term — which is commonly used to describe miscreants and thugs — if the victim” (that is, the miscreant and thug) “had been white?” Eligon repents, and “acknowledges” the “merit in the backlash.” Writes NYT Public Editor Margaret Sullivan:
Let’s get the obvious out of the way first: That choice of words was a regrettable mistake. […]
“I understand the concerns, and I get it,” Mr. Eligon said. He agreed that “no angel” was not a good choice of words […] and noted that a better way to segue into the rest of the article might have been to use a phrase like “wasn’t perfect.”
You racist filth. Spew your vile waste elsewhere, you white-supremacist monster. You think an unarmed black teenager who was also an aspiring rapper and a good kid who dindu nuffin “wasn’t perfect”? Did you seriously just say Michael Brown “wasn’t perfect”? Oh, fine! Why not just call him a “nigger” and be done with it?
[Margaret Sullivan:] In my view, the timing of the article (on the day of Mr. Brown’s funeral) was not ideal. Its pairing with a profile of Mr. Wilson seemed to inappropriately equate the two people.
Again, if I’ve hallucinated this entire story…