Our Most Sincerest Apologies
Sep 2nd, 2012 by Unamused
Ahoy there, and mind that penguin!
It is a glorious day for sailing, down ’round the magnetic South Pole. Yes, we’re still broadcasting live from the deck of the Hate Submarine.
See her majestic, hateful bow cleave the frigid waters. Feel the deck surge beneath your feet. Taste the salt of the brisk September sea breeze as it’s freezing your face off. Hear the far-off cry of the lonely penguin trapped on an ice floe with the orcas closing in. Smell the gooseberry croissants baking in the oven.
Now, I know I promised an important announcement, and rest assured it’s on its way, but it will have to wait, for I must first offer my most sincerest apologies.
Recently it was brought to my attention that certain remarks I made during a debate on school vouchers may have crossed the line into offensive territory. Judge for yourself:
Unaschmoozed: I refuse to listen to your ignorant, useless, stupid, treasonous opinions, you disgusting filth, you Marxist mongrels, you subhuman savages. I hereby call upon all White men, women, and children to arm themselves to the teeth in preparation for the inevitable global race war, in which the blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Gypsies, Eskimos, Chinese, and sundry other lesser breeds of man will unite against the Aryan race and be utterly destroyed by our magnificent, unstoppable army of mechanized Nazi war-dinosaurs and enormously chubby kitties! Huzzah!
I sincerely regret any offense I may have caused with my off-hand remark. The sad truth is, feline obesity, or “chubby kitty syndrome,” is a growing problem in this country.
According to the American Bureau of the Kitty Obesity Research Council (CORK), “over 35% of American domestic kitties are considered to be chubby, including 5% who are considered to be super-chubby… especially their big fat bellies” (CORK Year-End Report, 2011).
This means that more than 1 in 3 kitties in the country suffer from at least one of the symptoms of feline obesity:
- getting stuck in the kitty door
- can’t jump up on the counter (for noms)
- sometimes tip over for no reason (leaving belly susceptible to tickle attacks)
Simply put, America is jam-packed with chubby kitties. They are eating all the treats. Few if any treats remain for the little kitties. We must act quickly and decisively to ensure the uninterrupted flow of treats and thereby avoid a concomitant epidemic of sad little kitties, perhaps by increasing treat production to meet or exceed chubby kitty demand or devising a method for mass kitty dechubbification.
It is also past time we condemned the use of the derogatory term “roly poly” to refer to those kitties who suffer from feline obesity. According to experts in the field of Civil Rights Linguistics, which is a real thing people study in the universities, the use of this term is exactly equivalent to calling President Obama a wild hairy jungle ape from Kenya who shits on himself and shits on the Constitution and smells of shit and eats his own shit and paws at our social security checks with his shit-stained jungle ape paws while ooking and eeking and making all sorts of other monkey noises and generally being just another louse-infested, AIDS-infected, cotton-picking nigger in need of a good lynching, which I, of course, have never ever said, and never ever will.
Isn’t that right, First Mate?
Gratuitous French Girl/First Mate of ze Hate Submarine: I refuse to associate wif zis nonsense! You are ze very silliest person in ze whole of ze sea. Besides, I ‘ave ze croissants to worry about.