Federal Judge Fines FDNY $129 Million for Black and Hispanic Stupidity
Jul 26th, 2012 by Unamused
In January, I reported that the doctrine of diversity was inching ever closer to the Beyond Parody event horizon, as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission charged Pepsi with black and Hispanic criminality. The settlement cost Pepsi a mere $3 million.
Now John Derbyshire, who has described me as “thoughtful, well-spoken, and highly intelligent” (not handsome? what the heck) and is therefore clearly a WISE MAN INDEED, has brought to my attention the serious yet hilarious story of Judge Nick Garaufis and the New York City Fire Department (FDNY).
Here’s what went down:
- FDNY decides firefighters should be able to perform such cognitively demanding tasks as
- determining if 9 is a bigger or smaller number than 8,
- subtracting 18 from 22,
- finding the word “gloves” in a list of 7 articles of clothing,
- gauging which is more dangerous when one is standing on a subway track: an approaching subway train, or “rubbish burning in a small garbage can” on a platform somewhere, and
- not standing in pools of water while handling downed power lines
- FDNY administers two multiple choice tests with 4 answers per question, meaning someone who guesses answers, totally at random, will probably score at least 25% on any given test (remember that score), and has a better than 75% chance of scoring at least 25% on at least one test
- black and Hispanic applicants are unable to outwit a coin toss
- DAS RACISS!!!!!!!
- Judge Nick Garaufis rules FDNY practiced “intentional discrimination” against blacks and Hispanics when it asked them to ascertain
- whether one should count the number of apartments in one building by checking a different building,
- whether locking every exit is more dangerous during a fire than “a half-empty bucket of sand in the boiler room,”
- whether blocking the doors is more dangerous during a fire than “loud music,” and
- whether it’s okay to use an aluminum ladder more than once before you throw it away
- Judge Garaufis insists he will not implement racial quotas, despite “the city’s misleading and inflammatory statements to the contrary”
- Judge Garaufis promptly rules that two out of every five new firefighters hired must be black and one Hispanic — as opposed to the old, racist system, which required that five out of every five be minimally competent/not retarded (clearly privileging whites)
- Judge Garaufis also decrees FDNY must hire any blacks and Hispanics who scored at least 25% on at least one test, which we emphasize has a better than 75% chance of occurring if you guess randomly on every question
- Judge Garaufis further insists on approximately $129 million in “back pay” for these whiz kids, plus “retroactive seniority” and “a retroactively higher salary,” though his ruling is unclear on whether they get to literally spit in the faces of the real firefighters they now outrank, out-earn, and worst of all command
- Judge Garaufis closes by dribbling happily on the floor of the daycare center as he crams his gullet with fistfuls of delicious paste
Oh, that sweet, sweet paste.