Guest Post: Jonathan Frost Has Breaking News
May 10th, 2012 by Unamused
Today, la Park d’Unamusement is pleased to present a contribution by author, blogger, infamous war criminal, and all-around silly bean Jonathan Frost: world record holder for number of walnuts consumed in one sitting (616), author of Freedom Twenty-Five, and alleged mastermind behind the 7/7 terrorist attacks.
(Some of the above may even be true.)
Breaking News: Violence, Gunfire, Events Make Shoppers Not Be Alive Anymore
Events occurred in the neighbourhood of White Oaks, Michigan last week, when a jolly squad of mischief-making troubadours came upon a Whole Foods at 9:18pm on Tuesday of last week and allegedly caused eighteen shoppers to no longer be alive.
According to testimony by the one surviving shopper, who managed to conceal herself behind an upright display of locally-sourced quinoa bread, the trio of mischief-makers brandished firearms as they made their way into the store, secured the exits, and ordered the shoppers to fall to their knees in a line, calling them childish names throughout.
The silly teens then slowly went from one shopper to the next, demanding apologies for the brutal, unprovoked, cold-blooded murder of Trayvon Martin, pictured below, by George Zimmerman, a privileged white male who is white.
The apologies were apparently not sincere enough for the impish rascals, as they ended the spectacle by executing each of the alleged victims with a double-tap to the base of the skull.
The puckish rapscallions then fled the store, but they were apprehended later that night after having immediately uploaded pictures and videos to their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and WorldStarHipHop accounts.
Police Chief and Michigan Law Enforcement Diversity Coordinator Martin Freeman issued a statement yesterday morning:
“It is deeply inopportune that these victims were allegedly caused to no longer be alive by the regrettable and unacceptable actions of this gaggle of fun-loving runabouts. I wish to extend my condolences to the victims and their families, for the great inconvenience these events have surely caused.”
“These are good kids,” he continued, “and perhaps the real tragedy is that they got wrapped up in something as seedy as this. We all do stupid things when we’re young, but the difference is that they’re going to have to deal with it for the rest of their lives, even after they get out of prison in four years. My heart goes out to the alleged victims, but I hope they remember they’re not the only ones this tragedy has affected.”
President Barack Obama postponed a last-minute negotiation with Hu Jintao and Vladimir Putin, in which he had hoped to mediate the escalating nuclear showdown between the two superpowers that now seems likely to incinerate the planet and render it uninhabitable by multicellular life, to weigh in on the case:
“As we have seen in the past, there will be some who will see this great tragedy as an opportunity to rabble-rouse, to tap into people’s emotions, to play the political games of fear and hatred. Trayvon, De’Andre, and Sparckle are no different from any other loyal crew of goofy adolescents in this country, lighting off firecrackers behind the general store and stealing the bras from the girls camp across the lake. We must come together as a nation to condemn their thoughtless misdemeanours, and mourn the untimely deaths of the eighteen souls who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
A legal defense fund has been set up for the three ittle wittle boys, aged 28, 24 and 19, by the families of the Whole Foods shoppers caught in the crossfire.
“[Shooting victim] Seymour was a kind, charitable, understanding man,” said his wife Ava Smith, when asked to comment on her generous support of the defense fund. “He knows what kind of conditions these poor kids grew up in. He always wanted to see people coming together, rather than being driven apart. Donating our live savings to this defense fund is the best way I know of honouring his memory.”
Jason Kennedy, whose pregnant wife was also among the victims, is another major contributor to the defense fund: “Well, we’re Christians,” he said, “and I’m pretty sure that means we’re supposed to immediately and automatically forgive everyone for absolutely anything they do, no matter what.”
President Obama has also pledged to match all donations with a special disbursement of funds from the Department of Justice.
The Whole Foods location on Springbank avenue will reopen for business tomorrow morning.