Black Alternate History Month: the Extended Remix
Feb 2nd, 2012 by Unamused
Update: the original “Black Invention Myths” website has gone down, but you can find all the content here.
Happy Black Alternate History Month, everybody!
If you don’t know what that is, have no fear: Unamusement Park is here to help.
Black Alternate History Month, or National African American Revisionist History Month, is “an annual [compulsory] celebration of [fictitious] achievements by black Americans and a time for [our Minority Occupation Government to strong-arm and brainwash white Americans into] recognizing the central role of African Americans in U.S. [black revisionist] history” (History.com).
Now you know!
2012, being a leap year, poses a special challenge for black racial grievance groups, not to mention the anti-white radical scum that pollutes our government, media, and universities. As I wrote on the occasion of Unamusement Park’s two-month anniversary:
Sadly, one of those months was February, the shortest and therefore gayest month. Why do you think we let black people have it? Twenty-eight days of black history is enough, thank you. And don’t even get me started on leap years. Last time I swear they tried to come up with a new civil rights hero to fill in the extra day. Her name was Posa Rarks and she refused to sit on the back of a tandem bicycle.
Wise words. Wise, clever, stalwart, sexy words.
How indeed will they concoct an extra day’s worth of fictitious “achievements by black Americans”? How will they inflate the relatively minor “role of African Americans in U.S. history” until it has been sufficiently centered in a 3.6% longer month? How, in short, will they manage to scrounge up enough black alternate history to fill all twenty-nine white-hating days of February?
I don’t think they’re up to the task. That “Posa Rarks” trick is not going to work twice. Someone is going to have to lend them a helping hand. But whose flows are sufficiently fresh for Black Alternate History Month: the Extended Remix?
Once again, it’s Unamusement Park to the rescue! Yes, Unamusement Park — that enormous, overflowing vat of creative juices with thick greasy chunks of history floating in it — is delighted to offer its services in the form of a new series celebrating black history.
I call it: Celebrating Black History. (See how creative I am?)
Let’s begin with a man whose flows are far from sufficiently fresh — the freshness of whose flows utterly fails to suffice: one David A. Love, author of “Debunking the 10 biggest myths about black history” (The Grio, Feb. 1, 2012).
Alexander Stephens had some damn fine ideas
The first of “the 10 biggest myths about black history” is that “[t]he Civil War was not fought over slavery.” In a move that may surprise ‘Park regulars, I’m actually going to concede this one to the author: the Civil War was in fact fought over slavery. And the South was right.
“If you want to know whether the Civil War was fought over slavery,” writes David Love, “just read the words of Alexander Stephens, vice president of the Confederate States of America in 1861:”
The prevailing ideas entertained by… most of the leading statesmen at the time of the formation of the old constitution, were that the enslavement of the African was in violation of the laws of nature; that it was wrong in principle, socially, morally, and politically…. Those ideas, however, were fundamentally wrong. They rested upon the assumption of the equality of races. This was an error… Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner-stone rests upon the great truth, that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery — subordination to the superior race — is his natural and normal condition.
Talk about what we used to know about race! Would that the average white American understood today what Vice President Stephens was saying 150 years ago. (Ignore that part about “his natural and normal condition” for now and just concentrate on the bold.)
Let me be clear: I don’t want to bring back slavery, mainly because slavery is how blacks got here in the first place. If it wasn’t for slavery, they’d still be in Africa, and we’d be far better off for it. That to me is reason enough to oppose the use of slave labor. Also, slavery is bad — which, of course, is why white people eventually abolished it. (Somehow, blacks and Arabs never got around to it…)
But given the choice between
- the prevailing ideas still entertained by our leading idiots — I mean, statesmen, which are as fundamentally wrong as ever because they still rest upon the assumption — the lie — of the equality of races, and
- a government founded upon exactly the opposite idea, which we call human biodiversity (or “white racism”) today, and which in 1861 should have been common sense,
the choice is clear: God bless the Confederate States of America.
The best thing that ever happened to black people
The second, third, fourth, and fifth “biggest myths about black history” are not worth my attention. The sixth is that “[b]lack Americans are better off (versus Africans) because of slavery.”
We will never know what Africa would have been today without the disruption of slavery and colonization. To argue, as conservative David Horowitz claims, that African-Americans are better off because of slavery — and should be thankful they are the most prosperous blacks in the world — is to ignore the high price that black people have paid.
Remarkable — the sheer inanity of that first sentence, I mean.
The reason “[w]e will never know what Africa would have been today without the disruption of slavery” is because all it takes to create black slavery is black people. They’re still enslaving each other, for crying out loud — not to mention robbing and raping and torturing and killing and hunting and eating and dismembering each other.
Recall, if you will, Unamusement Park’s Short History of Black Civilization.
- Black people have had ample opportunity to create a civilization of their own, but have never managed to do so.
- This is probably due to their relatively low racial levels of intelligence and conscientiousness, and relatively high racial levels of violence and other anti-social behavior.
- Many civilizations — quite nice ones — have been built for blacks by whites (e.g., in Rhodesia, South Africa, the Belgian Congo, Haiti, Jamaica, and the USA).
- Such efforts by whites toward civilizing blacks (including colonization and slavery) have invariably and dramatically improved life for blacks. Blacks should be profoundly grateful to whites. Of course, they never are.
- Left to their own devices, blacks invariably destroy civilization of any kind.
Harsh, I know, but it needed to be said.
Now allow me supplement that Short History of Black Civilization with a Short History of African Slavery. It too is harsh, and will probably offend some nice black people who don’t deserve it. But it too needs to be said.
African blacks were a bunch of half-naked cannibal savages living in mud huts throwing spears at one another. They had no written language. They had no science or technology or industry. They had no culture in the usual sense of the word. They lived like wild animals. It’s called r-selection.
Millions of African blacks and as many as a million European whites were captured by Arabs and other African blacks and sold as slaves to Arabs and other African blacks and whites and American Indians.
Eventually, white people got around to freeing their black slaves, which was obviously a huge mistake. Every “racist” prediction about black indolence, incompetence, illegitimacy, criminality, general lack of morals, etc. would soon prove true — in spectacular fashion. Those predictions, of course, were why virtually everyone who wanted to free the slaves back in the day, including Lincoln, also insisted on shipping them all back to Africa: because of exactly what has happened in America since we let loose the blacks on white society.
Still, whites felt that abolishing slavery was the right thing to do. None of the other races involved in African slavery came to that conclusion: not the Arabs, not the African blacks, not the American Indians. They were quite happy with their slaves.
So how did that work out for black people? Well, look at the descendants of those slaves, the African-Americans. Compare them to Africans, who are still mostly a bunch of half-naked cannibal savages living in mud huts throwing spears at one another. Slavery was the best thing that ever happened to blacks.
As Fred Reed brilliantly put it:
[B]lacks ought to be grateful that their faster ancestors caught their slower ancestors — which is exactly what happened — and sold them to the slavers. American blacks would otherwise be somewhere on the Slave Coast of Africa, barefoot, illiterate, blankly ignorant, wearing loincloths, living in stick huts that would give Eeyore the willies, and shuddering with malaria. That’s what Africa is: primitive, hopeless, godawful. I’ve been in Masai hutments, spent time in the outback of Cuando Cubango. It’s not Stone Age. It’s more like Stick Age. No country in Africa today comes close, or ever has, to the culture of Fifth Century Athens, 2500 years ago.
Slavery brought our blacks into contact with a vastly superior civilization from which they benefit enormously, and without the slightest gratitude. Everything blacks enjoy in this country today — air-conditioning, writing, automobiles, television, medicine, welfare, medicine, everything — they enjoy only because they were brought here. Further, they have contributed almost nothing to the industrial and technological flowering that has provided the benefits they enjoy.
I begrudge them none of this. I am, however, tired of endlessly being blamed for their problems.
Whites, it seems to me, and not blacks, suffer the deleterious effects of slavery. The crime, AFDC, Section Eight housing, the other costs of supporting illegitimate children, the burned cities, the enormous hidden cost of affirmative action, the constant lowering of standards for blacks, the cost of police forces: Whites bear this burden. It is not light.
Please do read the whole thing.
It is entirely obvious that the descendants of slaves in America are much better off because of slavery. But I’m actually willing to concede this one as well — just as soon as all the blacks go back to Africa, starting with David Love.
The seventh of “the 10 biggest myths about black history” is that “[s]lavery was not a dehumanizing institution — it was just work for free, so blacks should get over it.” I’m not surprised that a man who makes a living complaining about how hard it is to be black should so strongly oppose other black people “getting over” something that happened over 150 years ago to other, long-dead black people to whom today’s African-Americans may or may not be related.
Let me begin by noting that the abuse of black slaves by white masters is wildly exaggerated. Why would you damage an expensive piece of property, let alone the source of your livelihood? Claims of sexual abuse of slaves are particularly absurd — as if whites have ever been remotely interested in raping blacks! Such fables are a fairly transparent attempt to deflect attention away from the realities of race and crime. Oh, and one other thing: lynching “victims” — black and white alike — generally deserved to die, because they were either rapists or murderers.
But let’s focus on the “myth” that “blacks should get over it.” It isn’t long before the author hauls out the “legacy of slavery” — oh, wait, it’s a “badge” this time — to make gullible white people feel guilty and give black people more free stuff.
[T]he badge of slavery continues to haunt African-Americans today in the form of economic discrimination, higher interest rates for mortgages, redlining and employment practices. …
Moreover, blacks continue to suffer disproportionately in the bad economy. The wealth gap between whites and blacks [more than quadrupled from 1984 and 2007. In addition, the] slashing of public sector jobs has plunged many blacks into poverty, and the recession wiped out black wealth and with it the black middle class.
There are two key points here. First, there is no such thing as a “legacy” or “badge” of slavery. There is no mechanism by which the history of slavery — let alone the modern mythology of slavery with its “evil white slavers” and “poor innocent blacks who built this country and didn’t even get paid waaah” — could make blacks such spectacular failures today.
Second, disparate impact does not imply disparate treatment. All of these things that “haunt African-Americans today” are better explained by race differences in intelligence and other behavioral traits, such as conscientiousness and aggressiveness — in short, by human biodiversity — than by discrimination.
Some, like “higher interest rates for mortgages,” are directly caused by race differences in behavior: to a bank, the average African-American represents a bigger gamble than the average European-American — or the average Chinese-American, for that matter.
Others, like the disparate impact of slashing public sector jobs, are only indirectly caused by race differences in behavior: since we are not allowed to talk about race differences in behavioral traits, the only remaining explanation for the race differences in economic outcomes they create is mythical “white racism,” an explanation which has led to (among other things) affirmative action in government hiring and thus a disproportionate number of blacks with public sector jobs.
- There is no such thing as a “legacy” of slavery.
- Disparate impact does not imply disparate treatment.
Black invention myths
The eighth and tenth “biggest myths about black history” are also not worth my attention. The ninth is that “American innovation was exclusively white.” It is not clear who actually believes that American innovation was exclusively (meaning 100%) white, but let’s be generous to the author and assume he meant something like “American innovation was almost exclusively white, and we could easily do without the minor contributions of black Americans.”
That happens to be true.
Despite Pat Buchanan’s belief that “this has been a country built, basically, by white folks,” African-Americans have made invaluable contributions to this country through inventions, exploration, and all fields of endeavor.
Have they really? “[I]nvaluable contributions… through inventions, exploration, and all fields of endeavor”? Alright, let’s hear it.
As Randall Robinson noted in his book The Debt: What America Owes to Blacks, the U.S. government requested 100 slaves to construct the Capitol in Washington. Masters who agreed to lend their slaves to the government received $5 per month per slave. Subsequently, forced labor helped clear the land for the rest of the District of Columbia.
Well, sure. I concede that blacks are capable of manual labor under white supervision. Is that the extent of their “invaluable contributions”?
But black people helped build America in other ways as well. Benjamin Banneker, an African-American inventor, astronomer, mathematician, urban planner and farmer helped survey what would become the city of Washington, DC.
He “helped survey” the land? Is that the best you can do?
Oh, it actually is. Never mind.
Dr. Daniel Hale Williams performed the first successful open heart surgery operation…
… while Dr. Charles Drew was a pioneer in blood banks and the storage and processing of blood plasma.
George Washington Carver was a renowned scientist and educator who reportedly found hundreds of uses for peanuts, soybeans, pecans and sweet potatoes.
Lewis Latimer worked with Thomas Edison, and invented carbon filaments for incandescent lamps.
Garrett Morgan invented the traffic light and sold it to General Electric, with his design becoming the basis for modern traffic lights. He also invented the gas mask.
Marie Van Brittan Brown invented the home security system.
She filed a patent for a closed-circuit television security system.
Black explorer Matthew Henson was the first person to reach the North Pole…
… and the list goes on and on.
… and on and on and on and on …
… and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…