Whole Lotta Hate: Celebrating One Year of Unamusement Park!
Jan 22nd, 2012 by Unamused
Let the celebrations begin! Today, the Internet’s #1 source for silly kittens…
… slutty forest faeries…
… gratuitous French girls…
… and racial hatred…
… turns ONE YEAR OLD. Huzzah!
A bold new direction!
On this very special occasion, I am pleased to announce that in exactly one week, Unamusement Park will cease to exist in its current format. At that time, we will permanently switch to a monthly print publication, which we will hand-deliver to each of our subscribers.
Unamusement Park will also change its name. To Radish.
I see that some of you have questions. Very well. Yes, you there. The gratuitous French girl dressed as a slutty forest faerie, holding the silly kitten.
Gratuitous French Girl: Radish?
Unamused: Yes. Radish.
Gratuitous French Girl: What ze damn hell shit does zat mean?
Unamused: Glad you asked. “Radish” is, of course, the root word of “racist.” Are you beginning to comprehend? No? What if I told you that, in addition to being the root word of “racist,” “radish” is the root word… of “root”? Do you see now? “Radish” is the root word of both “racist” and “root.” Or, as I like to say: “radish” is the radish word of both “racist” and “root.”
Gratuitous French Girl: I was led to believe zat “radix” was ze root word —
Unamused: Ze radish word.
Gratuitous French Girl: — was ze radish word of “racist” and “root.” And, for zat matter, of “radish,” which is a root vegetable, you silly goose.
Unamused: A radish vegetable, I think you’ll find, you silly pear. The radish is a radish vegetable. And no. This is a common misunderstanding, like the urban legend that putting a dog in the microwave will give you hairy palms.
Gratuitous French Girl: [unintelligible]
Unamused: Don’t make me tickle you. In truth, it is “radish” that, besides being a delicious root — I mean, radish — vegetable, is the root word of “radix,” “racist” and “root” alike. Or, as I like to say: it is “radish” that, besides being a delicious radish vegetable, is the radish word of “radish,” “radish” and “radish” alike.
Gratuitous French Girl: Ooohhh… so dizzy… ze radishes… so many radishes…
Unamused: No, just one, so far: issue 1, volume 1, available January 29! Only $199.99 per issue. Why settle for Radix, when you could have Radish instead? Or, as I like to say: why settle for —
Gratuitous French Girl: Yes yes yes, we all get it now.
Vote for Unamusement Park’s new official site motto!
By overwhelming popular demand (by which of course I mean: I just now decided to do it, and I don’t much care if you like it or not), Unamusement Park is choosing an official site motto. Vote now (preferably from the rooftops), and make your voice heard!
Here are your options.
- “I’m not racist. Some of my best friends are niggers.”
- “We don’t hate all non-white people. Wait, yes, we actually do.”
- “There’s only one race: the human race. And blacks aren’t included.”
- “I hate all the niggers, they look just like chimpanzees, why won’t they go back to Africa and keep their chimpanzee paws off my big-screen TV.”
- “There are innate race differences in how much I want to exterminate you.”
- “Race realism, human biodiversity, positive white identity, and kill all the Jews.”
- “We’re not saying Hitler was right. Wait, yes, we actually are.”
- “The Internet’s #1 source for silly kittens, slutty forest faeries, gratuitous French girls, and racial hatred.”
- “SLUTS! SLUTS! SLUTS!” (In honor of the all-time most popular search term leading to Unamusement Park, besides “Unamusement Park.”)
- “It’s cheaper than Radix.”
Gratuitous French Girl: Zis is an outrage! You forgot number eleven: “I am ze Queen of Croissants.”
Unamused: Oh, for the love of — you know the rules, Gratuitous French Girl. No croissant-related write-ins.
Gratuitous French Girl: Tra la la, I shall do it all ze same. Ah, les croissants… comme je t’aime…
Unamused: Please don’t encourage her.
Gratuitous French Girl: Tra la la!