The Pretty Face of Hatred: Celebrating Eight Months of Unamusement Park (Act II, part 2 of 2)
Oct 2nd, 2011 by Unamused
The “Pretty Face of Hatred” (Act I, Act II part 1) continues with this, the stunning conclusion to Act II: “Let’s Ship All the Blacks Back to Africa.” We would like to remind you that the songs in this Act have more or less the same rhythm as this song.
[Enter UNAMUSED IN BLACKFACE. TIM and HEIDI peel apart their SWEATY BODIES with a WET SUCKING NOISE.]
BLACK UNAMUSED: Yo, yo! Sup niggas? What’s poppin’?
[HEIDI instinctively clutches her PURSE and paws at her ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY RAPE WHISTLE. TIM hides behind her BULK.]
HEIDI: Why, hello there… young man. Tim, you remember, er…
TIM: Uh… yes, of course I remember this… gentleman. He’s one of our local “underprivileged urban youths.” How are you? Is there… anything you want from me? I mean, is there anything we can do for you?
BLACK UNAMUSED: Aww shiiiiiiiiit. Niggas be playin’ me, yo.
HEIDI: They be…
BLACK UNAMUSED: Raciss-ass crackas gettin’ all up IN mah face.
[HEIDI and TIM, confused, look around for any RACISS-ASS CRACKAS or NIGGAS WHO BE PLAYIN’. Finding none, they stare stupidly at BLACK UNAMUSED.]
BLACK UNAMUSED: [Sighs, his PAINSTAKING RESEARCH INTO BLACK SPEECH PATTERNS so obviously wasted.] White racism is really bad. I don’t like it one bit. It’s making me commit crime. It’s also lowering my intelligence.
HEIDI: Oh, you poor dear.
TIM: Fucking whites! Fuck! Fuck! Aaaaaaah FUCK!
BLACK UNAMUSED: [Bemused.] Right… Anyway, I came up with what I think is a fantastic way to save us colored folk from Whitey without, y’know, exterminating them. Sorry, Tim.
TIM: FUCK! Alright, I’m listening. What’s your plan?
BLACK UNAMUSED: So glad you asked…
(With Apologies to the Black People We Like)
The black man’s life be real hard —
Maxed out his EBT card,
And his baby mama’s only worth five bucks.
But he’s so busy formin’ mobs,
How’s he s’posed to get a job?
Or consent from all them bitches that he fucks?
Yo, it’s time that we admit it:
The whites won’t ever quit it
And just leave us helpless colored folk alone.
We appreciate your tryin’,
But racism ain’t dyin’,
So we’re better off just settin’ off on our own.
And I’ve found the perfect place;
It’s got miles of open space,
And the whites who will not flee could soon be purged.
Now it might seem somewhat barren
— Hot and harsh, the sub-Saharan —
But that just guarantees the whites won’t re-emerge!
If some dumb-ass nigga say,
“Yo, fuck that shit, I’ll stay,”
Then his mind has been enslaved — the man needs freein’!
So stick that nigga in a box —
Look, I even brought the locks,
And this whip, to keep the captured ones from fleein’.
I’m sure later he’ll be grateful —
The whites were just so hateful
That they forced us to perform this “relocation.”
If it all goes straight to hell,
We’ll blame the whites for that as well —
Sue the whole entire race for reparations!
HEIDI: What an astonishingly good idea, from such a well-spoken young man!
TIM: I agree. Of course it took a Person of Color to see the solution. You and I were obviously blinded by white privilege.
BLACK UNAMUSED: Glad you approve. But I think we had better check the joint out first. Make sure this “Africa” place isn’t one of Whitey’s tricks.
HEIDI: Good thinking.
BLACK UNAMUSED: Obviously I can’t go myself. It’s far too dangerous for a black man to do anything these days, what with all the white supremacists lurking about.
TIM: Those fucking whites again.
BLACK UNAMUSED: You two, on the other hand —
TIM: Say no more. We’ll do our part to exterminate the crackers — I mean, uh, to make life better for all you wonderful People of Color.
[A ship’s horn sounds in the distance.]
BLACK UNAMUSED: Right on time.
HEIDI: What was that?
BLACK UNAMUSED: I’ve taken the liberty of hiring the two of you a swift Somalian pirate-themed boat, which as you can see has just docked. Come on, Heidi! Come on, Tim! All aboard… for Africa!
HEIDI: [Gasps in delight.] Africa!
TIM: [Gasps in genocidal fervor.] Africa!
HEIDI: Oh, I can’t wait.
BLACK UNAMUSED: Hurry up niggas, you don’t want to miss the tide!
[Exit TIM and HEIDI, with great haste, in the direction of the SWIFT SOMALIAN “PIRATE-THEMED” BOAT. Exit BLACK UNAMUSED, with equal haste, in the opposite direction. The curtain falls…]
[… and rises on a HALF-NAKED SPEAR-WIELDING AFRICAN TRIBESMAN.]
HALF-NAKED SPEAR-WIELDING AFRICAN TRIBESMAN: Ahem. To Mr. Black Unamused, from the people of Africa: a song of gratitude and love.
We Eat Dirt
(Song of the Half-Naked Spear-Wielding African Tribesman)
Thank you for the present!
We found them most unpleasant,
An awful pair of pasty bloated freaks.
Yes, I’m afraid we really hate them —
Or did, until we ate them.
We hadn’t had fresh bushmeat in six weeks!
A Clarification by the Author Regarding the Satirical Nature of This Piece
The author, Unaschmoozed, has asked me to make the following perfectly clear. He thinks it would be “pretty fucking hilarious” if “that dreary fat sow” Heidi Beirich, “her pet pig” Tim Wise, and “every shit-head in the entire world who agrees with them and their retarded white-hating ideology” were “killed and eaten by African cannibals,” a process he described in some detail. It “would really brighten [his] day,” and he sincerely hopes it happens “sometime very soon.”
Furthermore, he would like to “ship all the blacks back to Africa, where they belong. Even the good ones.”
Just so we’re absolutely clear on those points.