The Pretty Face of Hatred: Celebrating Eight Months of Unamusement Park (Act II, part 1 of 2)
Sep 24th, 2011 by Unamused
Ladies and gentlemen: you have been lied to!
Previously, the honorable gentlemen behind the reputable racist Internet website “Unamusement Park” were enormously pleased to announce the triumphant return of the Internet’s foremost hyper-sexual genius — that endlessly talented, stunningly attractive, impeccably dressed, impossibly brilliant über-alpha living in a world of worker bees — the wildly successful, legendarily promiscuous, extraordinarily well endowed blogger/writer/debater/poet/madman/racist/turnip farmer known only as Unaschmoozed, from his secret fortress at the summit of Unzulänglichenangenehmerholungstieldienstberg (“Insufficiently Pleasant Recreational Facility Mountain”) to which he had apparently selflessly exiled himself until such time as he could complete “The Pretty Face of Hatred,” his universally anticipated second reactionary musical.
What we failed to take into account is that Unaschmoozed is a big fat liar. Like a wellspring of deceit, he is the source of a thousand slanderous rumors. Given the opportunity, he never fails to take credit for the labors of a better man. With sly words he has impugned the honor of virtuous women fallen on hard times. He has been spectacularly and repeatedly unfaithful to each and every one of his many sexual partners. From anyone foolish enough to call him friend, he has pilfered and pawned her most cherished personal treasure, merely to punish her trusting nature. In his long and horrifying career as a mischief maker, he has swindled a church, a circus, a children’s hospital charity, a grade school bake sale, a diabetic, a beggar, and an innocent dog. I could go on.
Notwithstanding his explicit claims, his solemn vows, and his obscene blood oaths to the contrary, Unaschmoozed had not, in fact, completed “The Pretty Face of Hatred.” He had, in fact, only completed one damn Act, and it has taken him until now to complete the second. What he has been up to in the intervening time is a great mystery, possibly involving the Great Bear Spirit of the Ojibwe people and a crazy stoned naked dancing Indian chick. You see — and I realize this will come as a profound shock to all of you, so I encourage you to brace yourselves as you see fit — Unaschmoozed never actually exiled himself, selflessly or otherwise, to any secret fortress, clandestine castle, nor any other furtive structure, at the summit of Unzulänglichenangenehmerholungstieldienstberg — nor any other obscure and remote Austrian mountain — nor does such a mountain even exist! It has all been a pack of lies. I, for one, have had enough.
I have therefore dispatched a crack squad of Reactionary-Musical Composer Motivation Specialists to first find, then thoroughly and repeatedly beat Unaschmoozed until he finishes writing that foul-mouthed, foul-tempered right-wing extremist extravaganza, a slap in the face and a kick in the crotch to leftists everywhere — “The Pretty Face of Hatred.”
Until then, we beg your indulgence, ladies and gentlemen, and present for your consideration the second of an indeterminate number of as-yet-unwritten Acts. Please note that the songs in this Act have more or less the same rhythm as this song. Now if you’ll kindly take your seats… thank you. Without further ado…
Act II: Let’s Ship All the Blacks Back to Africa
[The curtain rises on HEIDI BEIRICH of the anti-white hate group SPLC: white, grotesquely obese, and unbelievably self-righteous. She waddles center stage and basks momentarily in the unflattering spotlight, hands on her enormous hips, before glaring accusingly at the audience. She shakes her head indignantly, transmitting gentle ripples through her sweaty, flabby rolls.]
HEIDI: Listen up, America! Racism is everywhere!
It’s in our schools, lowering test scores for minorities. It’s on our college campuses, crushing the hopes and dreams of aspiring young African-American astrophysicists. It’s in the newspapers and on TV, poisoning our children’s minds. It’s in the so-called “justice” system, locking up poor, helpless, innocent black men like Duane Buck, Troy Davis (may he rest in peace), Mumia Abu-Jamal, Rubin Carter, O. J. Simpson, and dear, sweet Rodney King.
It’s in every level of our government, forcing blacks and Hispanics to drop out of school, lose their jobs, sell drugs, contract sexually transmitted diseases, and commit violent crime at shockingly high rates compared to the nasty white people who are really at fault. Yes, I’m talking about white racism, because after all, only white people can be racist — and it’s debatable whether any of them aren’t.
SMALL CHILD: But Ms. Beirich, none of that makes any sense at all!
Asian kids do better in school than white kids, so how can you blame “racism” for the low test scores that black kids and Hispanic kids always seem to get, no matter how much time and energy and money we throw at the problem? Doesn’t all the scientific evidence point to race differences in intelligence, anyway?
Our colleges openly discriminate in favor of black and Hispanic people — in fact, they’re required to, by laws handed down by our supposedly racist government and enforced by our supposedly racist justice system. Speaking of the justice system, once you account for the black crime rate, you see that the police are actually arresting too few black people.
Then there’s the media: they do their best to cover up crimes committed by non-white people, especially when it’s committed against white people, and extra-especially when it’s motivated by racial hatred, which it often is — even though you say that’s impossible.
As for the government — are you kidding? Just to pick one super-obvious example, last I checked, white people had no problem voting in black candidates, even though it’s usually against their interests, but black people almost never —
HEIDI: [Having suffered enough hate facts, explodes in an anti-racist rage.] Heresy! Heresy! Hate speech! Criminal hate speech! Alert the authorities! [Points at the SMALL CHILD.] Arrest that white supremacist at once!
[A squad of TOLERANCE ENFORCERS from the Equality Bureau (“Diversity Is Our Greatest and Only Strength”) — a new branch of Eric “My People” Holder’s Civil Rights (for Everyone but Whites) Division of the (Social) Justice Department of the United States of (Post-Racial) America — descends on the SMALL CHILD and drags her off to be re-educated so that she might one day rejoin our wonderfully diverse society.]
HEIDI: [Smiles.] That’s much better. Sounds like someone forgot that the First Amendment doesn’t extend to hate speech.
But it just goes to show how right I was. You see, only a racist would ever deny that racism is the greatest threat to our nation and the world, a never-ending hate crime perpetrated by all whites against all non-whites. But that little bitch just said it wasn’t so — in public, no less! You all heard her! Well, that proves how widespread racism truly is, when you can spout garbage like that in public and get away with it. [Sound of firing squad off-stage.]
It’s time we took a stand, people. Something must be done!
Something Must Be Done
White racism’s perverse!
It’s gone from bad to worse.
The racist right expects us to ignore it,
But I think it’s very clear
That every single year
Is worse than all the ones that came before it.
Racist cops who walk the beat
Grab random blacks right off the street!
Though why they don’t grab Asians is a mystery…
But blacks still do longer time
Than whites for equal crime!
(When you don’t control for prior criminal history.)
Now there’s gangs of thugs who base
All their violence on your race —
A clearer case of hate crime, I can’t name.
When those racist whites attack —
Wait, you’re telling me they’re black?
I take it back, those kids can’t be to blame!
Yes, I know I understate,
Or ignore, most racial hate,
Even though I’m paid a fortune just to find it.
But you see, these vicious mobs
(That beat and rape and rob)
Target whites, and so I simply do not mind it.
The Knoxville Horror was sort of bad.
Yes, and Wichita, how sad —
All those massacres by blacks that racists cite.
But our real foe’s Jared Taylor,
Peter Brimelow, Steve Sailer —
Those who claim that anti-racism’s “anti-white.”
[Enter TIM WISE: white, slightly less grotesquely obese, but equally unbelievably self-righteous, doughy face twisted with hatred, wearing a shirt that reads “Proud Race Traitor” on the front, “SLAVERY/NEVER FORGET!” on the back.]
TIM: Fucking whites. They’re so fucking racist. I hate them all — every last stinking one of them! Just thinking about their… their privilege, their fucking privilege… [Foams at the mouth.] It just makes me so… so FUCKING ANGRY!
I Hate All White People Because They’re So Racist
You’re absolutely right:
The problem is the whites!
They’re lashing out in fear and desperation.
But they’re whiny little shits,
Who haven’t got the wits
To accept the fact of their extermination.
Oh, I’m waiting for the hour
When the whites lose all their power.
Won’t they cry to see their empire’s destruction!
(They can’t guess our true intent
Is to redefine “consent,”
Setting race quotas for white girls’ reproduction.)
We must nobly soldier on,
Until all the whites are gone,
And the world shines with a lovely brown patina.
That’s the paradise I seek:
A global Congo, Mozambique,
Or New Orleans (after Hurricane Katrina).
Now, admittedly those places
(That are full of non-white races)
All have problems rather worse than just low grades:
When they’re not out poaching rhinos,
They’re dismembering albinos
Or raping little kids to cure their AIDS.
Of course, their failure’s not innate;
It’s always due to racial hate
And the never-healing wounds of those it tramples.
So I’m sure, once truly free,
They’ll build a great society —
Though I cannot cite historical examples.
HEIDI: Oh, Tim. Oh, TIM. The world you envision… free of white people… forever…
TIM: “Free” is right… my dear.
[TIM and HEIDI share a passionate embrace, sublimating their pure hatred of all white people into enthusiastic public dry-humping, with many pig-like grunts and squeals, of which the author’s rudimentary sense of decorum prohibits further description.]
HEIDI: Fuck me, you proud Nubian!
[Clearly the author lied about his rudimentary sense of decorum.]
Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion to Act II, as “The Pretty Face of Hatred” continues.