Born to Hate: Celebrating Four Racist Months of Unamusement Park
May 23rd, 2011 by Unamused
Smoke rises from the ruins of Unamusement Park’s recently exploded main Hate Laboratory, illuminated only by a merrily crackling blue-green chemical fire.
MUFFLED VOICE: Ow.
Something stirs beneath the large pile of smoldering rubble in the center of the room. A hand emerges from the top, then another, and finally a head. They belong to UNAMUSED, who is slightly singed. He waves.
UNAMUSED: Hello there. Welcome! You’re just in time for the party.
A ceiling tile falls on his head.
UNAMUSED: Yes, watch out for that. This place is such a mess. I’m going to have a word with the cleaning staff. Really quite irresponsible of them —
PETULANT YET SULTRY VOICE WITH FRENCH ACCENT: Zat is a big fat lie and you know it!
Enter GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL.
UNAMUSED: G.F.G., I thought I told you to wait in the Slut Observatory!
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts are out of control! Zey keep taking zeir clothes off and bouncing up and down and licking my ear. And spanking zem is not helping! Zey simply will not let me eat my strawberry croissant in peace.
UNAMUSED: … Why?
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey demand zat I teach zem my special secret French sexy thing! Ze one zat is to regular sex what regular sex is to hammering nails into your face —
UNAMUSED: I recall.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: — but I cannot. Zey are too slutty.
UNAMUSED: Fine, then help me — wait, how can they be too slutty to learn your special — never mind, I don’t care. Dig me out of here.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ha HA! Ze tables have turned. Ze hourglass has run out. What was once yours is now mine. And zis time… it is personal.
UNAMUSED: How many croissants have you eaten today?
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Seven. And now zat you are buried up to ze neck in debris, I shall help myself to even more of your delicious croissants while your visitors enjoy zis video, taken by your own security camera not ten minutes ago, which will show exactly who is responsible for zis cataclysmic catastrophe!
She approaches the projector with a tape.
UNAMUSED: Stop that! Get away from there! That screen is for retrospective slideshows only, not your tomfoolery!
Still buried up to ze neck — I mean, the neck — in debris, UNAMUSED grasps ineffectually at GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL, standing ten feet away.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: First of all, you silly goose, I have never fooled around wiz anyone named Tom. And second of all — hm. How do I make ze movie play?
UNAMUSED: Push the big green button with the sideways triangle on it.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ah yes, I see. Hm hm hmmm… how I love croissants…
The lights go out. The curtain rises. The security tape begins…
UNAMUSED: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to — excuse me, sir? Did you not see the sign?
He points to the large, neon yellow sign by the door: “No blacks or Mexicans allowed.”
UNAMUSED: So if you’d just — yes, right through that door. Thank you.
The non-Asian minorities shuffle out. The average IQ of the room jumps 15 points.
UNAMUSED: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Unamusement Park’s four-month anniversary hate-tacular!
Fireworks burst overhead, slightly singing everyone in the room.
UNAMUSED: What progress we have made, these past four months! Our little acorn of race realism has blossomed into a tall oak tree of white separatism. The oak, as we all know, is the most racist of trees.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I do not believe zat is true. I think you just make up all zese silly things.
UNAMUSED: Aren’t you supposed to be helping yourself to my delicious croissants?
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey are warming in ze microwave.
UNAMUSED: Quiet, please. To commemorate the occasion, I’ve prepared something a little different. Something even more exciting than our orphanage-igniting two-month anniversary spectacular (aka International Call-a-Random-Black-Person-”Nigger” Day). Something even more stimulating than our slut-tastic hate-erosexual three-month anniversary slut-tacular (aka International Touch-a-Sleeping-Girl’s-Boobs Day).
Please enjoy this brief retrospective slideshow while I make the necessary preparations. Lights!
The lights go out. The curtain rises. The retrospective slideshow begins…
PETULANT YET SULTRY ANNOUNCER WITH SUSPICIOUSLY FAMILIAR FRENCH ACCENT: Today ze Internet’s #1 source for race realism, white separatism, gratuitous French girls, and kitty cats, turns four months old! Huzzah! Here are some of ze good times we’ve shared and fond memories we’ve made together, you silly gooses.
UNAMUSED: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
- April 25: What makes “nigger” so interesting is that, decades after the extinction of the widespread white racism that weaponized it, the word — like a Cold War-era hydrogen bomb buried under the New Mexico desert — is just as lethally radioactive as ever. So let’s dig it up and play with it!
- April 26: Running out of “nigger” references, I widened my search for racial slurs to include comparisons of black people to animals, especially lower apes. It’s time for Unamusement Park to chimp out!
- April 27: It is, in fact, possible to behave like a wild animal, a missing link (between ape and man), or a sub-human primate, just like it is possible to behave like an emu or a jar of strawberry jam. Just ask a mime — not that you’ll get much of an answer.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Are you watching a movie about delicious croissants?
UNAMUSED: What? No. It’s a retrospective slideshow.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Sometimes I like to put strawberry jam on my croissant.
UNAMUSED distractedly pours a beaker of foaming green liquid into a beaker of bubbling yellow liquid.
UNAMUSED: Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs in the Slut Observatory? You know, observing the sluts?
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey keep trying to lick me. I think perhaps zey are too slutty.
UNAMUSED: There is no such thing. Look, I just need you to stay out and not distract me until the slideshow is over. If the sluts get out of line, give them a good spanking.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: You are so very mean. You knew exactly what would happen when I spanked zem.
UNAMUSED: You’re back. Let me guess. You’ve finished the croissants, and now you’ve decided to annoy me.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: No! … I came to ask you where is ze strawberry jam again.
UNAMUSED: You put the last of it on your seventh croissant, but I think there’s some chocolate syrup in the fridge.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Huzzah!
UNAMUSED: Wait! Come back! I need you to describe the spanking! For… scientific purposes!
- April 29: Let me be very clear, Baratunde: this is what it sounds like when a white man, who was handed everything, calls the President of the United States (and you) a nigger: “Hey, Barack Hussein Soetoro — I mean, Obama. Hey, Baratunde Rafiq Thurston. You’re niggers. Now go the fuck back to Kenya.”
- April 30: Well, it turns out black people are more likely to abuse their children than white people. And guess what, it’s not because white people working for Child Protective Services just hate all dark-skinned people so much, they don’t care if they beat and molest their kids! Because that was everyone’s first guess.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Is ze movie over yet?
UNAMUSED: No! Nor are my preparations complete!
UNAMUSED spills some frothing purple liquid on his secret lab notes, which begin to dissolve.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Where is ze strawberry jam, anyway?
UNAMUSED: Kitchen cabinet. Don’t eat it all.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I shall have ze grandest croissant in all ze land! Huzzah!
- May 2: Starlette “Don’t Call Me Black” McNeill of the Daily Race has stumbled across Unamusement Park’s secret hate laboratory in the course of her spiritual pilgrimage/intrepid sleuthing, just like in that Nancy Drew book. You know, “Nancy Drew and the Secret of White Racial Consciousness”?
- May 3: Our boron supply lines are too important to the war with Neptune to trust a space-Negro with! Put them to work in the Orbital Laser Testing Range.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts have used up all ze chocolate syrup! Zey are not even putting it on croissants! Zey are just rolling around in it and pouring it all over zeir naked bodies and licking it off one another!
UNAMUSED: If you dig me out right now, I’ll give you fifty croissants.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I shall be ze Queen of Croissants! Huzzah!
- May 7: Well, Dave “Magical Negroes” Lindorff, don’t forget to roll up your car windows when you roll through the “bad” part of town — you wouldn’t want to get carjacked by one of those lovable kids. And next time you indulge in one of your teenage black fantasies, remember to wipe up after you blow your load of white guilt all over the keyboard.
- May 8: Two questions occur: why do poor black people insist on ruining America in every conceivable way? And if all the white people moved out of Philadelphia, which they probably should, how long until the city succumbs to barbarism, like our very own backyard Liberia?
- May 9: Unamusement Park is a labor of love. And hate. So much hate. So give me money.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts would like to know if zey may have ze chocolate syrup bottle. Zey will not tell me what for.
UNAMUSED: Fine, whatever. Stop interrupting my retrospective slideshow.
UNAMUSED uncertainly shakes a vial of orange and blue crystals.
- May 10: A Thoughtful Analysis of Racial Discombobulation — a TARDis, if you will. (It’s blacker on the inside.) After all, this is what “anti-racists” keep telling me I should do: imagine what discrimination feels like from a different perspective; put myself in a black person’s shoes, and try to — hey, these are my shoes.
- May 11: If I had to give a parsimonious explanation for the behavior of ghetto black teenagers, I would suggest that most of them do what they do because they want to do it. They want to do drugs, sleep around, collect welfare checks, and riot in the streets. Call it a “lifestyle choice,” if you like.
- May 12: Black people attacking white people: grrr, bad! White people ignoring black people attacking white people: YOU F#@%*^$ IDIOT A*#%^!&@, LOOK WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO US etc.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Do you like me, Mr. Unamusement Park? Because you do not seem to appreciate all ze wonderful things I do for you. And now I hear you like black people too…
UNAMUSED: First of all, my name isn’t “Mr. Unamusement Park.” That’s not even my fake name. Second, I don’t really like black people; I’m just able to tolerate one or two of them. And yes, Gratuitous French Girl, I am awfully fond of you, and I appreciate all the wonderful things you do for me. Like digging me out of large piles of smoldering rubble, for instance. Speaking of which, can you hurry it up? I think I see another ceiling tile coming loose…
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: It is difficult to dig in zis French maid outfit.
UNAMUSED: Technically, for you, it’s just a maid outfit.
- May 14: Beading? Why, that’s no different from taking your sweetheart to the sock hop! Except she’s twelve years old, she’s your cousin, and when you pin a corsage on her, you’re reserving the right to have sex with her, whether she wants to or not.
- May 15: Jared Taylor has written a new book, “White Identity: Racial Consciousness in the 21st Century.” Buy it. Read it. Make all your friends read it. Get new friends.
- May 17: It occurred to me that should you choose the path of compassionate reactionism and take this conversation off the Internet, it might help to have a few relevant fact sheets written by someone else, on whom the liberal rage and malice and cries of racism can be dumped, i.e. me.
- May 19: Who is it that keeps calling me “racist” in lieu of learning some facts and formulating an argument? Liberals, of course! Fucking liberals! Source of all that sucks! To be precise, fucking white-hating, fucking immigration-loving, fucking minority-worshiping fucking liberals and their fucking cult of fucking multiculturalism (or NAMBLA).
The curtain falls.
UNAMUSED: That was exciting.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: It sure was!
UNAMUSED and GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL, both slightly sticky, struggle to catch their breath.
UNAMUSED: Hey G.F.G., you’ve got some chocolate sauce on your ear. And your mouth. And your breasts. And… elsewhere.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Hee hee hee. So do you!
UNAMUSED: That’s what we get for giving the chocolate syrup bottle to the sluts. We’d better get cleaned up before it hardens.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I’ll do you, zen you can do me.
Satisfied with his concoctions, UNAMUSED returns to the podium.
UNAMUSED: I think we’re ready for the main event. Lights!
The lights come back on.
UNAMUSED: I, Professor Unamused of the Unamusement Park Institute of Hatred Studies, or UPIHS, am proud to unveil my latest and most dastardly creation, which I hold in my hand even now! Behold, the amazing, the inimitable, the stupefyingly powerful —
FILE NOT FOUND.
UNAMUSED: Aw, what a shame. Someone has deleted the evidence. I guess we’ll never know how this cataclysmic catastrophe came about.
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: You are a big fat cheater.
UNAMUSED: True. Well, we used up all the chocolate syrup, you’re completely wasted on croissants, our visitor thinks we’re all nuts, and someone blew up the main Hate Laboratory —
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I believe zat was you, alzough admittedly I cannot prove zis.
UNAMUSED: — but nevertheless, in light of the chocolatey denouement, I’m going to go ahead and call our four-month anniversary hate-tacular a roaring success!
GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Huzzah!
UNAMUSED: Keep licking.