Unamusement Park

It all started over at Foseti. Blame him.

DHS threat level: maroon.

Welcome to the United States of Post-Racial America. Make sure to collect all luggage and small children, and have your passport and seven other forms of TSA-approved photo identification ready for the first of thirteen security checkpoints. After checkpoint one, would all travelers please line up in an orderly fashion for irradiation, enhanced interrogation, and full cavity search. Travelers with a “Religion of Peace” exemption may proceed directly to checkpoint thirteen.

Please remember that discrimination is illegal at all times and in all places in the United States of Post-Racial America. If you see, hear, suspect, feel, or sense discrimination by a white, male, or heterosexual person, report it immediately to the nearest Diversity Kiosk, located on every street corner in every city. For your convenience, here is a list of examples of unacceptable statements — also known as hate facts — and how to correct them.

For your own safety, of course.

• UNACCEPTABLE: “Black men just keep raping white women at a ridiculously high rate.”

  ACCEPTABLE: “Today’s race-conscious African-American male seeks to overcome historical barriers to inter-racial unions, as well as discriminatory female consent practices.”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “There’s black people out there, rioting, looting, and setting fire to grocery stores!”

  ACCEPTABLE: “Although partially blinded by my white privilege, I think I see some oppressed minorities fighting back against institutional racism, seeking social justice through involuntary reparations, and opening a combustion-based dialogue with the Korean community.”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are special treatment for minorities.”

  ACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are necessary to overcome the legacy of slavery which is still keeping any non-Asian minority from succeeding in Post-Racial America. Besides, white people are all rich, connected, and racially privileged, so the very notion of treating them unfairly is racist and stupid, and you are racist and stupid for saying it.”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “Black people are different from white people.”

  ACCEPTABLE: “Race does not exist, except black people are better than white people in every way, and white people are all a bunch of racist assholes who deserve to be murdered in their sleep, and their bodies set on fire.”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “A black woman is being held accountable for her own felonious behavior.”

  ACCEPTABLE: “It’s the next Rosa Parks!”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are not assimilating.”

  ACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are assimilating too much!”

• UNACCEPTABLE: “President-For-Life and Supreme Ruler Obama is not the greatest leader in the history of the world, the perfect human being, and a living manifestation of the Divine, which is to say the Second Coming of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

  ACCEPTABLE: You figure it out.