Jul 23rd, 2013 by Unamused
Dr. Park: Oh hi there! Come in, please. Here, put on this lab coat and protective eyewear.
Welcome — to Unamusement Park’s Center for Research On Craziness Occasioned by Pointed Observations of a Racial Nature and Its Practical Uses and Benefits: the newly operational C.R.O.C.O.P.O.R.N.I.P.U.B., funded by your generous donations to the Carlyle Club and bearing no relation whatsoever to the erotic herpetology drinking establishment “Croco-Porno-Pub,” which is sixty miles west of here along Route 302 and should never under any circumstances be visited by any persons, for any reason, living or dead.
This is where top ‘Park scientists study just how crazy they can drive otherwise quite reasonable people simply by stating politically inconvenient (“incorrect”) facts.
On your left you can see the Trayvon Testing Range, which — obviously — we’ve filled with Skittles and “white”-Hispanic Neighborhood Watch volunteers.
What’s that? Yes, a volatile combination indeed! Well spotted. And on your right you’ll see the Simulated Social Sciences Department, where the boys down in R&D have got us fixed up with no less than six life-size models of early 21st century American social science professors for us to work on. Of course, we’ll be staying back here, at a safe distance, — yes, you’ll want to keep those goggles on, ma’am, — but trained professionals from our own private paramilitary force are hard at work delivering our custom-crafted lines at close range. Let’s listen in:
Maj. von Braun (in Blackface): [Clears throat.] Say, uh, “Professor”… hi, I’m in your… anthropology class. Could you, uh, help me with this homework?
Professor-Bot Mk. IV: Why. Yes. Of course: Ethnic. Minority. Student. What. Seems to be? The trouble.
Maj. von Braun (in Blackface): I’m supposed to be proving that the justice system is biased against minorities. (Do I really have to say this?)
Hate Technician: Just read the script, please, Major.
Maj. von Braun (in Blackface): Minorities like me. An African-American Hispanic transgender lesbian. With… with a lithp. Suscep — thutheptible to thtereotype threatth. However, all the evidenthe thuggestths that dithproportionate imprithonment ith due to dithproportionate offending rateth.
Professor-Bot Mk. IV: Well: Ethnic. Minority. Student. That sounds like. Racial. Discrimination. Do you need me. To file? A hate crime report.
Maj. von Braun (in Blackface): Oh but profethor I do not understand how facts can be “rathist,” won’t you please take a look at these statistics I have downloaded from Unamuthement Park.
Hate Technician: Major, I’m picking up some unusual readings on this end — but that might have something to do with the lithp — I mean lisp.
Professor-Bot Mk. IV: Race — statistics — Ethnic. Minority. Student. — social construct — error — legacy of slavery — Ethnic. Minority. — pri-vi-lege — error — systemic racism — Holocaust — warning: system shutdown —
Hate Technician: Prepare to evacuate simulated classroom environment in 3, 2, —
Maj. von Braun (in Blackface): Ah, thcrew it —
Dr. Park: Splendid! What? Yes, that’s perfectly normal. We go through about four Professor-Bots a day. Better than shooting real social science professors, right kids?
Let’s move along, shall we?
Ah, here we see one of our Junior ‘Park Rangers, Hate Cadet unj, conducting a little experiment of his own: electronically posting — or electro-posting — the ‘Park’s excellent race/crime flyer to a popular World Wide Web opinion aggregation center!
What did you learn from your experiment, Hate Cadet?
Hate Cadet unj: I have learned many things. Here, they are on this… poster board I have prepared:
- Anyone who says “black people are more criminal than white people” is a “racist” because that is a “racist” “lie.”
- Everyone already knows that black people are more criminal than white people, so the only reason to state this commonplace truth is that you are a “racist.”
- Anyone who says “black people are more criminal than white people” and then immediately calls someone else a “racist” for saying the same thing is exempt from being called a “racist.”
- Classifying people as white or black for the purpose of calculating crime rates is “racist.”
- Classifying people as white or black for the purpose of calculating poverty rates is the opposite of “racist.”
- It is “racist” to assert that numbers like 13 and 4.6 are “way higher” than “only” 2.7.
- If you say something that is similar to some other, never explicitly stated thing, which — you are told — has been said before on Free Republic, then what you said is “racist.”
- In spite or perhaps because of Findings 1 through 7, “racist” is still a meaningful word with a real definition that can and should be used to shut down any and all discussions of race that stray from blaming everything bad in human history on white people, if indeed they deserve to be called people.
- Black people can do literally anything, at any time, for any reason or no reason at all, and it is either (a) bad, and therefore caused by slavery, or (b) not so bad, and therefore proof that black people have never done anything bad ever.
- The typical criminal in 21st century America is a rascally bread-pilfering urchin out of a Charles Dickens book or perhaps Les Misérables, except slightly more pathetically angelic on account of being black.
- The best way to understand race relations in contemporary American society is to believe everything a black academic says, unless it’s Thomas Sowell or Walter Williams.
- The best way to understand race relations in contemporary American society is to live in the suburbs surrounded by white people.
- The best way to understand race relations in contemporary American society is to scream “Racist!” as loud as you can, hoping to fit in.
- When someone says something which is arguably or even plainly true, “Simply wrong” is a sufficient rebuttal. “Straw man” or “Non-sequitur” will also suffice.
- A phrase like “logically correct in the assumptions it makes in its data” is totally meaningful and definitely not just a hash of vaguely intelligent-sounding words thrown together to make the author sound smart to lazy, careless and/or dim-witted readers.
- Words like “logic,” “assumption,” “data,” “bias,” “factual,” “statistic,” “misleading” and “socio-economic” can pretty much be inserted into a sentence at random, making that sentence 80 to 100 percent more convincing to lazy, careless and/or dim-witted readers, and this is entirely intellectually honest.
- Despite the alleged existence of African albinos and non-Hispanic Arabs, “race” is logically, semantically and biologically equivalent to skin color.
- Your skin color cannot make you more criminal, but it can make you more “racist.”
- Black people are not more criminal than white people.
- Black people are obviously more criminal than white people.
- The notion that black people could be more criminal than white people is so preposterous and bizarre that anyone who says it must be insane or evil.
- Black people are identical to white people and therefore, logically speaking, must have an identical crime rate.
- Black people are identical to white people except that white people are “racist” and therefore, ethically speaking, black people are entitled to be more criminal, which they either (a) are, (b) aren’t, (c) “Racist!” or (d) all of the above.
- If the conclusion upsets you, you don’t have to look at the data if you don’t feel like it. After all, it’s probably “racist.”
- If the conclusion upsets you, you must never look at the data. After all, etc.
- If you don’t understand how to get from the raw data to the conclusion, you don’t have to ask, because the problem isn’t you; it’s “racism.”
- If you don’t understand how to get from the raw data to the conclusion, you must never ask, because etc.
- Poverty causes rape. Unemployment causes arson.
- Slavery causes rape. Segregation causes arson.
- When in doubt, shout “racist” and run. This rule supersedes all other rules.
Dr. Park: So there you have it. We learned several interesting things today.